Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias, 25. Clever people are smart, witty, and intelligent. Browse these Monday memes until you laugh (or cry), then check out some Friday memes to end your week on the right foot. .the best teachers educate young people for life, not school. Ira Socol, 51. No use being a damn fool about it."W.C. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising? But sometimes they just get on your nerves. - Tom Robbins. The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms The list below begins with original quotes followed by some from public figures. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -, "Light travels faster than sound. 1) I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while youre ahead? Its part of an anti-litter campaign. "Zig Ziglar, 99. Phyllis Diller, 83. Milne, 49. As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. We have covered the following in the post for you; These clever lines with a pinch of sarcasm will surely tickle your funny bone. If at first you dont succeed, try management. Anonymous, 21. Dont take life too seriously. What do you call Santas helpers? No one wants to help mom do the dishes."P.J. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach, 24. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet shell mark the exact spot. If you think you are too small to make a difference, you havent spent a night with a mosquito. African proverb, 12. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity Unknown, 52. Originally Published: Oct. 7, 2019. I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. Let us know in the comment section below. Take the Quiz 61. the cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo? 85 Muhammad Ali Quotes Words Of The Greatest Champion, 50 Generational Wealth Quotes To Inspire You To Create A Legacy, 50 Daddys Little Girl Quotes For The Best Father Daughter Love, 110 Saturday Vibes Quotes For A Good Weekend. 53. 68: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Instead of taking it out on them, read these funny co-worker quotes to commiserate. Never mind, I shouldnt spread it. (Best Life), 5) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.". "Life will be boring AF if you never mess up.". Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents. 92. 34. Why arent dogs good dancers? Parallel lines have so much in common, but its a shame theyll never meet. 71. My father is allergic to cotton. 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". 25. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. 32. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. Last night, I was driving, and I turned into a driveway. (Wiley). 14 Social Skills to Help You Win in Life Microexpressions The Definitive Guide to Facial Expressions . Its a filibuster. A polar bear. Live the life you love. Bob Marley, 23. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bb. I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. Always be sincere, even if you dont mean it. Unknown, 40. Charlie Brown, 8. A new wine has been made for cats. 1) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal), 2) I have a piece of paper, dont mind me. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Best One Liners 1. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. 67. Short Witty Captions and Quotes. To prove he wasnt a chicken. Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too! Pam Beesly, The Office, 38. 6. Tact is for those who arent funny enough for sarcasm. Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. Be a professional and hate the whole week! Anonymous, 39. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. In other parts of the world a fact." ~ Marlene Dietrich. When we do it or inspire it in others, it can feel like magic, and like magic, laughter can be similarly mysterious and elusive. (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. If you're around someone who sucks all the air out of the room, go to another room. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 15. Intelligence is like an underwear. Why dont pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Tech Blog The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when youre finished. Groucho Marx, 45. Missile toe. Company Swag Ideas Employees Really Want Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. Copyright Entertainism & Buzzle.com, Inc. 78. Its Monday morning, and the incessant trill of your alarm has woken you from a pretty great dream. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Morris Kline, 59. But they don't really know me. Movies are more than just entertainment. Well, neither does bathing. 48. 43. These quick-witted and smart quotes, one-liners, status messages, will lighten the air, add humor to your conversations, and will make it easy to break the ice show your fun side too. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. One day the people that dont even believe in you will tell everyone how they met you. Johnny Depp, 77. It seemed very important to him that I have it. 95. "Phyllis Diller, 55. Robert Frost. You start the meeting by reviewing your agenda. Jean Illsley Clarke, 53. In this article, we shall read some really funny and sarcastic quotes that will help you see why life should always be taken with a pinch of salt. "Mae West, 7. I want to receive exclusive email updates from YourDictionary. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Unknown, 70. Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking. Augustine of Hippo, 33. Because, really, nothings better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. He just wanted a little more space. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. Elbert Hubbard, 6. How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? All rights reserved. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? How about a little more inspiration before you move on with your plan to get through your day? You can also use a funny team building joke or quote to make sure everyone can relax during the meeting. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), I Slept on the Sealy Posturepedic for Five MonthsThese Are My Honest Thoughts, 108 Sarcasm Quotes That Are the Perfect Mix of Witty and Clever, 100 Funny Inspirational Quotes for When You Need a Good Laugh to Get Moving, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. A dirty double-crosser. You know what your boss was trying to say? 42. 1. With the use of humor and wit, they overcome situations very smartly. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. 31. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." 74. Therefore, theres no true formula for a perfect joke, and despite study and analysis on the part of comedians and scientists, we dont have a precise answer to, What makes things funny?. Funny Quotes About Life Woman's Day/Getty Images 1. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Witty One Liners about Men "You can't belay a man who's falling in love." ~ Edward Abbey "An empty man is full of himself." "A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. This website uses Google Analytics to collect anonymous information such as the number of visitors to the site, and the most popular pages. Strictly Necessary Cookie should be enabled at all times so that we can save your preferences for cookie settings. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. The first slide was my paycheck. Anonymous, 17. Your coffee break partner. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. Luckily, the folks at Caroo have curated their very own Icebreaker Box to help kickoff your event with a little bit of snacking, team building, and maybe even an adult beverage . Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." 20. People say I'm condescending. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx, 23. "Life is pleasant. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89. "Garry Shandling, 36. 51. A rich man is 0ne who isnt afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper. Do not walk beside me, either. You will never get out of it alive." When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. 2. What do you call a mobster whos buried in cement? It fascinates me. "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so . 14) When in doubt, mumble. "Bill Watterson, 10. Joan Rivers, 94. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. The nature of life is to change. William Arthur Ward, 14. Has someone been kidnapped? "Oscar Wilde, 60. No need to repeat. Whos there? Was I born in a nest or a hive?. the racing snail that got rid of his shell? 59. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. ~ Dumas. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls, 34. This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought. "Will Ferrell, 51. Best ATS Software "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." "Oscar Wilde, 14. the claustrophobic astronaut? They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. When you love people and have a desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then you will have accomplished the meaning of life Sasha Azevedo, 15. "I'm not crazy I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." A lab report. Every of the time! Kevin Malone, The Office, 32. "Charles Lamb, 96. 3. 66. by Team Scary Mommy. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. Lets chat! "Betty White, 61. With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. The fastest road to meaning and success: choose one thing and go all-in. Maxime Lagac, 38. Love them or hate them (or most likely, a little bit of both), theres no doubt that your boss can strongly influence your workday mood. So brunettes can remember them. People often say that motivation doesnt last. "I drink to make other people more interesting." A: Tell a good joke at work by first finding an. "I like work. $330 at NET-A-PORTER. Pro-Tip #6: Pick a joke and frame it around your real-life experience. Here are 21 witty one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. A pun for every season of the year. Funny quotes for online dating profile Whether you put for guys irresistible. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin, 10. "I've had great success being a total idiot. 97. -David Letterman, If I glance over, its not because I dont care, its because I can't remember anything. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. "Meryl Streep, 39. 8. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. "I don't care what they say about me. I can sit and look at it for hours. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. 76. He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies? 13) Worrying works! 83. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." I havent slept for 10 days because that would be too long. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. Small son sitting on Daddys lap: Im still confused. Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. -, "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." Roll them back so they can see! (Beano), 8) When my son told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. (CNN Dad Joke Generator). Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? Pro-tip #1: Do you know whats not funny? Blog Change the world by being yourself. Amy Poehler, 73. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. If you are motivated by these wise words of wisdom, feel free to spread the positive vibes and share them with friends and family on Pinterest, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and more. "Jim Carrey, 59. Enough to break the iceor your spine for that matter., 6) When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. -. At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic. Hero Images/Getty Images. Dont take life so seriously, you will not get out alive. Elbert Hubbard, 3. I love my furniture. Question:Why cant men get Mad Cow Disease?Answer: Because it only attacks the brain. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees, Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved], Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms, Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, Make an audience feel a stronger sense of, Release endorphins and calm anger for more productive debates, Plays on the human love of detecting discrepancies by illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. FAQ Humor can help you instantly build rapport with your audience. "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. "Do these genes make me look fat?" 3. Roses are red, violets are blue; white wine costs less than a dinner for two. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); SnackNation And I also know that I'm not blonde." I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. "Judith Martin, 62. A joke that produces laughter in one social group might not work in another. 84.04 % / 304 votes. I organized a threesome last night. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." ", "Only good girls keep diaries. He thought he was God and I didnt.Men are like toilets. Youre like, What the hell? "I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas." - Unknown 4. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. "7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.". 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. Nope. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. Then quit. What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller, 28. 64. One destination for older woman. Looking for some witty and humorous one-liners on life? 4. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. "Mark Twain, 69. "Zach Galifianakis, 20. "Everything I have I owe to this job this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. "Carrie Fisher, 70. Monday is the yardstick against which all that is unpleasant is measured. Lou Brutus, 37. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends., It is a good thing to learn caution from the misfortunes of others., You cant belay a man whos falling in love. ~ Edward Abbey, A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. Why is Monday so far away from Friday and Friday so bloody close to Monday? Anonymous. One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace . Up until then, you are just doing research. Carl Gustav Jung, 5. 81. 180 Kindness Quotes to Inspire You To Always Be Kind, 51 When You Feel Like Giving Up Quotes To Motivate You, Top 80 Trent Shelton Quotes On Love, Life And Loyalty. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. 79. The way I see it, id you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Dolly Parton, 20. 65. 60. If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. Stay up and fight. If you need a little extra cheering, listen to these funny podcasts during your morning commute. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? Valentine's Day puns that are simply the zest. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. Robert Frost, 20. Theres no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman, 44.