My abuse was sexual, physical and emotional from many abusers. This would fall under neglect and mental/emotional abuse. I did poorly in school. A better question is what can I do to work at healing my symptoms and feel better about myself and my life. I knew it was always there in the back of my head but I would ignore it because well I dont know why. What you are describing is indeed sexual abuse. I only remember one instance of any sexual abuse that I was subjected to, and it always leaves me feeling very confused. Isnt it better to focus on how you can lessen these symptoms then finding the exact reason? But we arent here to make anyone continue therapy or tell anyone what to do. Do you think thats possible? A few other pornography categories I like, that Im not proud of and is extremely ashamed of, are incest, older male-younger female, and voyeur porn. I always was a need to know type of person. Most of us unfortunately never know what happened, and never will unless they invent a time machine. Dayanna, this all sounds a lot to go through. Have you seen a therapist about bulimia? Again, this was across 6+ therapists, all of whom said they worked with childhood trauma. I dont want it to be real but I know its not normal for me to get these thoughts and constant worries. In the USA, sadly, doctors just put people on medication and leave them to it, which is very hard for us to hear about, as we know that a good therapist can create a safe space for those who have experienced abuse to process their hurt, pain and rage, rebuild their self-esteem, and learn to trust again all things medication alone can not provide. Thats okay too. Love to all who have shared here, thank you for your bravery. Feeling disconnected from the body or always wanting to be clean can be the result of a childhood that was so out of control, for example, that the body becomes the only thing we can control, for example. When I was little, maybe 6-7, my family would go camping with some family friends who had a son three years older than me. I dont remember the details either but I think there wasnt a sexual penetration. But I also resent him. I Have suffered with PTSD after being sexually exposed to as a 4 year old. I dont have any memories of him treating me sexually, or touching me inappropriately, but my mom has said that she was really creeped out by his relationship with his daughters, who were all adults. Wed say you deserve that opportunity to try and see, and that perhaps your family deserve the opportunity for you to still be around for them. Any ideas? Any references would be greatly appreciated. It sounds like there were difficult power dynamics in your family, both between you and your brother and you and your mother, and a lack of honesty and support, and that you felt very alone and unheard as well as unsafe around your own brother. Its very normal to feel all sorts of confusing feelings. You have been through an awful lot. We hope you find some support with this, and thank you for your brave sharing. Im a young adult now. Seems like you are not giving him any credit here, nor yourself, as would you really have married someone that terrible? We would suggest you do seek support and someone to talk to about it. The older I get the more Im concerned about weather or not I was sexually abused. when i attended the university i lived far from home and i met bad people i used to have sex with them eventhough i didnt want to and after the act i feel guilty and as if it was not me doing these things ,yes i used to please organs during that period i met someone in my life and to whom i lied about my past but he hacked my FB account and he saw the conversations and bit by bit i started to tell him about my life .. he helped me alot and we visited a psychologist and i met her alone and i told her that i sometimes dream with an old man and he scaries me and i dont know whom that man and i dont know why i used to have sex with many persons with no reason. Another thing ive since realized is I have a legitament fear of people touching my stomach. Abusive behavior doesn't just mean physical abuse, it can mean emotional abuse, financial abuse, and/or sexual abuse as well. It also sucks cus I have the worst relationship with my mom so I cant talk to her about it. Wed suggest you also consider the type of therapy they offer. I have all these symptoms like social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and as a child, I always wanted attention more than anything, but when I got it, I felt bad. Is there something I can do to help release these hidden memories? I know I should not and I know I mean nothing to him, but I cant help myself he is the only thing I have on the planet and I do not count him a friend because he is a secret and I only ever see him for an hour at a time for sex. I grew up in the 80s and like many kids growing up in that time period I was spanked but so was other kids, so I cant think it was necessarily that. especially one i hated the most. Are you using these behaviours only for pleasure or is the truth you use them to distract yourself from other things you dont want to deal with (addictive behaviour). As for the child sexual play, we wrote an article on that last week, take a look. I am not sure how a 10 year know so much about sex without being told about it. Hi Lenny, if you read all the other comments, youll see that we always say the same thing. What we CAN do is seek support and get help for the symptoms and moving forward. Hi there. Quiz: How do I know if I have hyperlexia? And I would get sexual, a few I actually had sex with, but every time after I would feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I was at his house almost every weekend at that age, but I only have a handful of memories of him. The fallout of sexual abuse is hard for anyone to navigate alone. So its not strange. We are going to link you to our adjoining article, what to do if you think youve been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Low and behold it was a radio shake recorder and the 5 year olds confession. After writing this it sounds like abuse but I still feel like its not that big of a deal and I should just forget about it. I hate being in the dark about this. My stomach gets in knots like now just talking about it. Wed advise you read our guide to what to do if you feel you might have been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse it outlines how to approach this. I know i have alot of issues. You are just someone trying to cope. Not only might you have experienced abuse, you were then betrayed by the mother you obviously very much respect and love, and a sister you dont seem to trust enough to talk to about it. Hi Ana. Nobody seems to know how to help me. We would highly recommend, if you can, seeking some support. Where are you right now, in this exact moment? So when my dad came to pick me up I wanted to show him. I remember being sexually stimulated and having a hand over my mouth to keep me from making noise. And the other truth is that our energy is better spent looking at how to help and change symptoms. It leaves every person who experiences it mired in shame, guilt, fear and anxiety. If you did have memories, the tool many trauma therapists use is EMDR, its designed to reprogram reactive brain responses. You might also find things like online support groups or even in person support groups useful, although they are not for everyone. Its in your hands, and it always has been. But we are very concerned about the self harm, nightmares, and anxiety. Thats the only sexual thing that I can remember that made me uncomfortable though, and I dont even think it counts as abuse. Its a process, like any relationship. Even in my numbed, more normal states, I dont function very well. And spending all our energy trying to know exactly what happened actually backfires, as it takes away the energy we could be using to instead reach out and seek support. Was it the right kind of therapy for you? wedgies. Or the counsellor at school? He was later convicted of touching young girls. I also am pretty sure Im asexual and I feel physically sick when I think about having sex with someone else but I am able to masturbate. Ive recently started questioning a lot of things. But depending on what else went on, it might qualify as assault or abuse even depending on what country you are in, as there was more than three years age difference between you (explained by an American charity here https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/the-scope-of-child-sexual-abuse-definition-and-fact-sheet). When I was around maybe 7-9 I would usually go over to my great aunt and uncles house after school due to my parents working. After a few months, things started to get more sexual between us, and I realized once again that I had some issues with sexuality. Thats how easily manipulated I am. I never felt comfortable around men when I was younger. Can you get some help? Yes, it can be a survival tactic. There were things that I did that I didnt even want. I honestly dont think my experience scarred me. Id feel dirty and used, even though I knew he was a caring guy who loved me and wanted nothing but to please me. I dont ever remember it happening again and I also dont remember how I felt at the time. Do you actively avoid getting into romantic relationships due to your severe fear of sexual intimacy? I cant help but think something happened while I stayed there. Be proud that you have got to where you are and are brave enough to be here researching and leaving a comment. We really believe with the right support you could start to feel worthy, liked, and able to trust again. My dating history Ive seemed to attract verbally or emotionally abusive individuals where Ive been constantly berated or treated poorly, never wanting to end the relationship because I didnt want to be alone, relationships that have ended Ive begged for second chances and slipped into depression where Ive stayed alone in my apt choosing not to go out and get my mind off of things, instead opting to wrap myself in my depression like a blanket and cut people further out my life. First, being a teen is hard. This is not your fault, you experienced something men can now be legally charged for. Afterwards, I threw up, trying to get rid of the awful taste. my heart dropped and it felt like i couldnt move. The test is aimed at people over the age of 18 who take it under their own responsibility. I cant remember why but it stopped after that I felt really bad everytime I thought about it, it made me feel wrong and sick so I stopped thinking about it and I hardly think about it unless it accidently pops into my head and I get the same bad feeling still. Its important to understand what qualifies as, It is now recognised that sexual abuse does not even have to involve physicality to be extraordinarily damaging to a child and the future adult they will become. I sat on the floor, with my knickers down and legs open and inserted the handle of a small trowel in my vagina. We hope that the right thing happens for you and wish you strength and courage. I feel very uncomfortable approaching her about it. I come from a past of physical abuse but not of the sexual nature. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. This trauma. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about having abusive sexual fantasies, masturbating, etc. If you are have PTSD and you do something like psychodynamic therapy, asked to talk again and again about things from the past, you can trigger yourself into fear mode again and again, leading to a lot of anxiety and fear!! Its possible there was abuse, but its equally possible that it comes from being physically beaten, which can can cause fear of being touched too, its also a violation of the body, yes? She would disguise it as a game we would play like princesses etc She would also go and do similar things to me. It was very dark (it must have been late as my Mum had gone to bed). He did force me to kiss him though and it really made me uncomfortable. I guess because he assumed I would say something to him since he wasnt his Dad. DBT often includes a group component which might work for you perhaps a group might feel less intense and stressful than one-on-one. Its been a big road block for a while and its making it really hard to function normally. When i was no more than maybe 13, i told my sister that as a very young child, our family friend had abused me. I do also have the illness called paranoia schizophrenia. A good therapist can help you come to terms to what you feel happened and then can help you learn those boundaries and good self-care so that the future can be more of what you want and less of just a sense of always putting up with things. Now as a young adult (18) I realize that I have some issues, but because of my memory I cant tell if its sexual abuse related. It was honestly just like I knew, I told when I was 14 and they said that they I guess knew but did not know who it was.. When I was 7 or 8 or maybe younger Im not sure, my older sisters friend who is a very close family friend and I were down on the trampoline at the back of our house alone. I was also encouraged in therapy to maintain and try to repair my relationship with my abuser, since my cognitive distortions were seen as the primary cause of my stress in that relationship. Is there someone you can talk to? Hope this helps! I dont really know how to go about talking about this, but I recently have been getting angry at my sister for various reasons. I have trouble with sex, Im aware of it, I just dont know why. I guess I just need someone to tell me that it wasnt my fault. I cant remember anything that may have happened to me as a kid. But there is no explanation to why i have so much problems with sex. Do you have other symptoms of sexual abuse? I come from a conservative background. And my brother obviously witnessed something or Idk cuz he was acting out also. is there anyway i can get into this and try and figure out what happened? Even TV shows I may watch now rarely actually show any sexual abuse, rather imply it and the audience understands what is going on, so where a five year old would have seen this kind of things, I dont know. I only aim to please the person. Many women dont feel comfortable with sex until later, many people dont have sex until later, and its your body and your timeline. Yet, Im also very interested in it. Emotional abuse. I used to become hysterical when I received a pelvic exam in my teens and twenties. Could these dreams that Im having be real and the cause of everything? Or it could even just be the way you were parented, if you werent allowed to be yourself or have agency. From a young age, I have a fear of large crowds, a group of guys anywhere around me, and older men with facial hair. Abuse means we reject others as deep down we are angry that once we felt so rejected and un helped. So I never brought it up ever again. Some kids draw wild things and many kids have sexual curiosity and thoughts. POST EDITED FOR PRIVACY AND LENGTH I have so many doubts about whether anything happened to me and whether what I remember actually matters. I know thats pretty normal, but I dont know where the intense discomfort and shame came from, because shes never done anything in my memory to warrant that. In summary, we would highly recommend talking to a counsellor or therapist about this when you are ready, particularly if you have any symptoms of trauma as detailed in the article. A naughty chair is a term used by some parents just to mean a chair a child takes a time out in if they have been disobedient. But if you feel that you have symptoms youd like to work at healing, that is what to focus on. We deeply understand that it can be very crazy making, something we think about non stop, and then there is the way we can stop trusting our own selves. I want those dreams to go away. Even before 6 grade and 7grade when I was diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety. Dreams in and of themselves are not however symptom of sexual abuse, nor is thoughts of tickling, but a therapist would look at what other symptoms you have. First of all, this is a lot of anxiety for anybody to be under. I didnt tell any adults about anything that happened because: I was embarrassed (Ive never been good at talking about sex with my parents), I kind of felt like I had consented (even though I didnt know what consent was) and I had already got in trouble for coming across some nsfw stuff on the internet accidentally so I thought I would be told off. Im scared I might be too damaged, or I might be a sociopath or just a compulsive liar with a personality disorder. They rarely mean to violate the other child. I Also dont struggle with kissing, and intimacy doesnt weird me out .I did ask my parents about this image, just like Ive asked them if I have cancer, illnesses, and various other things my OCD dwells on, and they were really concerned and just said it wasnt true. What we do know is that each person is individual with their sex drive and the things you see in films and movies and media that encourage young people to think they are supposed to want sex young, and all the time, is complete rubbish. You seem to feel that any kind of sexual experience or desire is shameful and bad. And why always protecting my crotch when sleeping? I took part in the Truth Project project 2 yrs ago and the terrible feelings/ thoughts came back I was terrified theyd ask about my dad that I would say something. So I just shut it away and try to live life . But I remember, at 12 years old, being petrified that he would rape me, while not even really understanding what rape meant. We do highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with to work through these issues. You are a remarkable person doing the best she can. It can be an older sibling or another child who abuses you. And even the few times where I did say no or tried to stop it, I wasnt very adamant about it and hed always get his way with me in the end. I still am. Spanking with pants down alone is enough to give you abuse-like symptoms. My family was very Christian, especially my mom, who did talk to me about sex, but in a very Christian way (its for moms and dads, its pleasant once it happens and it should happen in marriage and in marriage only). Abuse also decimates trust. Focus on that. It sounds really stressful and like what happened is causing you a lot of anxiety. Im 25 and I am unable to have sex with my partner. I fight my demons and thoughts because I have 4 children with my wife. As an child and an adult I now realize I have acted in a disrespectful way repeatedly through my life not thinking anything was wrong with it, for this I am truly sorry to anyone involved. I have all the symptoms of sexual abuse, including panic attacks, constant anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, low self esteem, intense mood swings and opinion changes, little sense of identity and HORRIBLE distrust of my parents, especially of my mother. It makes me cringe a lot, it really goes through me. I doubt myself because I was drunk and sometimes your mind can make things up (Im also an artist with a vivid imagination) My uncle is very caring and loving but he was also a drug addict and maybe did something when he wasnt sober but I dont want to blame anything on anyone because I dont know for sure. Most of the points you have listed apply to me. Please helpcme. Do read our article on talking to parents we mentioned, even if you feel you cant talk to your mother, sometimes if we approach it right it can work out. Anxiety robs us of the present moment, and its only in the present moment we find any peace. Im 23 now and I have very very few memories of my childhood and anything below the age of 12. In fact another child kissing and doing things to you can be seen by your brain as a sort of trauma and cause the same symptoms, it can have caused all your symptoms like shame, fear around being touched, etcetera. So you arent struggling with wondering if the memory is true as some others do, and you did get support and believed. I differ wildly from my sister who thinks our parents loved us and did so much for us. If you dont feel like their feedback works for you, you need to say so and go deeper. I had a hard time saying no or stop when it didnt feel good and put myself through the pain. The article discusses the legal definition of abuse/not abuse in this sort of scenario. I struggle with anxiety/mental health issues, and I have a really hard time trusting men, and I feel really protective of small children. I want to ask him but I dont want to accuse him of something he might have never done. That went on until I was 13 (I think, I cant really remember that either) and I always have this flashback to one day when he was in my room and all the lights were off and he whispered something and I felt terrified and thats all I remememver. These sorts of things are hard to work through alone. He then took my hand and placed it on his penis and said I should rub it. Jenny, it sounds like you are really suffering here. Unfortunately many of us didnt get this and ended up having experiences we just felt frozen in and are left ashamed about. The anger you feel might seem to be about Christianity, and perhaps part of it is (Christianity can make it feel like we can never reach our parents, which can add to any repressed childhood feeling that we were abandoned by them when we needed them). Even saying this online is making me nervous.When I was younger about 7 there was a female (Im also female too) who was a similar age as me. My parents were very careful of what they exposed us to when we were young. We understand you feel shame. Examples of covert abuse are a father who always talks about a daughters body being too sexual when she is going through puberty. Is there a counsellor at school? I have almost no memories from that period of my life but my memories start up again right after our friendship ended bit suspicious. Hi Lauren. My dad would get angry with my mom and would call me to get in the car and go with him. About a month ago, I was at my grandmas house, and my grandma, my mom, and I were all talking about a woman and her husband who used to babysit me when I was about 4 years old. Or is there another trusted adult you could talk to who could help get your parents on board with getting you help? And if you dont want to have sex, no should be enough. At no point was the idea that I was expressing genuine problems rather than distorted negative thoughts considered. I am socially detached and dont know how To cope with these issues because I worked so hard looking for forgiveness and acceptance that i Barely gave myself time to realize that I was molested and that it wasnt me who was the issue. I also have a dislike to my stepdad and felt uncomfortable around him on a few occasions.. Is it right to get restraining order? As a child I had major anger issues up to 5th grade, and Ive always felt alone, and had self doubt lurking around my head. dare we say it, perhaps dont really like them? In between relationships I would have drunken sex with people. Hi Paige, its hard if we think we have been abused but we just dont know. She would have me put my hand in her pants and touch her bottom. Are you currently seeing a counsellor? If you are student your high school or counsellor should have a counsellor you can talk to. (I know Im making it seem like I was happy but I wasnt. The only thing to do is focus on getting help with the symptoms. I would put myself in sexual situations with men even when I didnt necessarily want sex. We are in a loving relationship and I can talk to him about anything at all. Im worried that this could be some sort of sexual abuse thing, but Im not sure. You and your concerns need to be heard and respected. We also all, every one of us, have the capacity to do wonderful things that help many others, or even wonderful small things that quietly help those close to us. We have fooled around like teenagers do, but never had sex. In general, they were horrible people. For a while I have assumed that I was molested or abused as an infant. I remember my heart thumping really loudly and telling him to get off me and he eventually would. No idea why. I only touch her arms and back when were at it. So I took comfort in being molested and used that as my place of belonging. My mom would also make me feel like it was my fault and that I was a sinner (given we were Christian. I was too afraid. Seek support. Stashing pornography when I found some somewhere once, stealing my dads porn tape to watch back at my mums, I crept into my mums bedroom when I was small to listen to her having sex with someone (I cant remember who), I was always touching myself, rubbing myself down there. A child, in most country, needs the permission of his legal guardian to attend therapy. So I inboxed him word for word what she told me from the recording and asked him for a death bed confession. If you have a similar situation in your life, you may question, "Was I Sexually Assaulted?". Ive been in therapy and it helped about 15 years ago I had a bad time couldnt stop thinking about certain memories felt experiences in my body which caused me a lot of distress but I have no visual memory just things like being on a water bed some one on top of me or behind me touching me. What there are, however, are answers to are how you are feeling, which is evidently anxious around sex. Or a school counsellor you can turn to? Dont feel you have to tell the whole entire story if its going to leave you feeling totally traumatised. The family member also used to pop pills and drink so if something happened he probably wouldnt remember it either. We hear this from so many young people today, and we do feel its also due to the tremendous pressure placed on young people today to be sexually active. These situations are really confusing. In general, a person is the victim of sexual assault/battery in California if an intimate part was touched by another person against their will and for the purpose of stimulating the offender's sexual desires/interests. It does sound like you have all the symptoms of someone who experienced abuse. But what happens in families where sex and bodies are made bad is that then children dont get to talk about it at all, and they dont get taught how to say no and that they have that right. And also, we all need to have compassion for others when they are grumpy, particularly a lot of men out there who seem so tough or are acting out, often they have suffered abuse and are hurting and sadly our society creates so few opportunities for these men to express and find support. And find out Ive found out that I have a sign of having PTSD and Im sure what to do. This doesnt have to mean they only offer sexual abuse recovery. I got up to open the door n he grabbed me from behind n he hugged me i covered my breastn he forces his hands on my breast n said in my ear they are growing i was speechless i was scared i wanted to cry but all that was going through my head was wishing someone would help me the windows closed the door closed then i just threw his arms off me looked at him n opened the door n went with my brothers . Have you ever been in a situation in which someone told you to keep what theyve done to you a secret? When I was probably six or seven I was at my friends house (we'll call him Donny). My parents knew him and his parents very well. Best, HT. Have you considered asking them to help you find help? It feels like there is no one there to help now as my own mother missed all the signs and I can not think that she is on my side. We wish you courage. We are in the UK but see you are in Canada and found this one for you https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone. I feel dirty and sick to my stomach after sex, as if I did something wrong. I was in 6th grade, and there was this boy, who liked me. My dad abused my mom all the time physically mentally and sexually in front of us. I said I dont know how and I have never done it before I was hoping that he would then leave me. She died over 10 years ago. I struggle trusting anyone, feelijng that eventually they are going to let me down, doesnt matter if its my wife, my parents, friends, I have difficulty letting anyone in. It was always about pleasing the other person before I got married. After reading it all I think I was sexually abused as a child I dont know what to do its seems real and explains why I react and behave the way I do. What matters is to look to see if you have other symptoms. And if at this point you cant imagine sex at all, thats ok. Hope that helps. around this time i started getting extreme bladder infections, and gaining weight. Do find our other article on the new definition of sexual abuse. I dont think I was ever diagnosed as having childhood trauma. When I was a teen (Im in my 30s now) my friends would talk about losing their virginity and I felt so ashamed because I didnt know if I was so I slept with the first person I met at just 15, he was 18. I am unable to have stable relationships Or sometimes when we are on the middle of doing something I get upset for no reason, its not like I dont want to, the feelings just come out of no where. Starting to accuse others without being sure can sadly cause us more problems as people we are close to an turn against us or disappoint us by not defending us leaving us even feeling more sad and alone.

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